Tell your funny jokes!

Ok well the title tells it all.

Tell your funniest joke.

Heres mine:

There's a drummer in a band, and he's sick and fed up of his band mates calling him thick and making jokes about him.

"Right", he decides, "I'm gonna show those guys. I'm gonna learn and instrument that takes some real talent. I'm gonna take up guitar, then they'll have no way of calling me stupid! I'll show them!"

So the drummer heads off to the shop, and when he arrives there, he looks around a bit cluelessly. Not knowing who he should talk to, or what he should ask, he just approachs the counter.

"How can I help you, sir?", the sales assistant asks.

"Well, I'd like a really really nice guitar", the drummer replies.

"You're a drummer, aren't you?" The sales assistant, somehow predicts.

"Wow, how did you know that!?" the drummer retorts.

"Because this is, McDonalds".

Once there was a liitle boy in church. He had to go to the bathroom so he told his mother, ''Mommy, I have to piss.''
The mother said, ''Son don't say piss in church. Next time you have to piss, say, 'whisper' because it is more polite.
The next Sunday, the litle boy was sitting by his father this time, and once again, he had to go to the bathroom.
He told his father, ''Daddy I have to whisper.'' The father said, ''OK. Here, whisper in my ear.''

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday
morning; it's a bad one.

Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them
is hurt.

God works in Mysterious ways.After they crawl out of their cars, the
woman says, "So.... you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman.
Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt.
This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live
together in peace for the rest of our days".

Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely,this
must be a sign from God!"

The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car
is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely
God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in
agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to
the woman. The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back
on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police.."

News Flash : Today the world was stunned by the news of the death of the Energizer Bunny. He was six years old. Authorities believe that the death occurred approximately 8:42 PM last evening. Best known as the irritating pink bunny that kept going, and going and going, "Pinkie" as he was known to his friends and family was alone at the time of his death. An emergency autopsy was performed early this morning. Chief Medical Examiner, Dura Cell, concluded that the cause of death was acute cardiac arrest induced by sexual over-stimulation. Apparently, someone had put the bunny's batteries in backwards and he kept coming, and coming, and coming...

OK theres 3 guys stranded on a cannibal invested island. to not get eaten they must pass a challenge. they must find 100 of the same fruit and bring them to the cannibal leader. they must shove all of them up their behind w/o making a sound. the first guy brings apples. he gets to 25 and says ouch. they kill/eat him and he goes to heaven. the second guy comes back w/ grapes. he gets all the way to 99 and laughs. they kill/eat him and he goes to heaven. he meets the first guy who asks him why he laughed, he was so close. he says, cause the third guy came back with PINNAPPLES

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. His eyes are rolled back in his head and he doesn't seem to be breathing. The other hunter takes out his cell phone and calls for help.

He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator, in a calm voice, says: "Just take it easy. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is silence on the phone, then a shot is heard and the hunter's voice comes back on the line. "OK," he says, "now what?"

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round-trip ticket -- If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail.

The cabbie said, 'If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!' So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck.

The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan. The businessman got in the first cab in the line, 'How much for a ride to the airport,' he asked? 'Fifteen bucks,' came the reply. 'And how much for you to give me a blow job on the way?' 'What?! Get the hell out of my cab.'

The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked 'How much for a ride to the airport?' The cabbie replied 'fifteen bucks.'

The businessman said 'ok' and off they went.

Then, as the drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.

OK, sorry if I've been post whoring but heres the best one:

car abbreviations
HONDA
had one, never did again
hang on, not done accelerating

ACURA
asia's curse upon rural america

JEEP
just expect every problem!

VW
virtually worthless

KIA
killed in action
keep in asia

FORD
fucked on recent deal
found on roadside dead

MOPAR
moments of performance are rare

RT
ricer team

CHEVROLET
can hardly envy vehicles running on last era's technology

NISSAN
need I say something about nothing?

VOLVO
very odd looking vehicular object

MERCEDES
my expensive race car emits dense exhaust smoke

HUMMER
huge ugly mother, mostly eating resources

OLDSMOBILE
old ladies driving makes others behind infuriatingly late everyday

GMC
garbage man car

GM
gay mofos

PONTIAC
pretty overpriced, not that I am concerned
poor old nigga thinks its a cadillac

SUBARU
souped up blazingly awesome racing unit

I know that only the subaru owners will like this post

I dont have any jokes, But I hate it when people say,
Your mom,

Makes me wanna punch em in the face.

when people say a sexual joke like I did your mom last night, I just say: she's over 50, have fun pervert.

Haha, Good idea.
Too bad my friends are dicks and will think of something better, Haha

yeh, one of my friends it didn't work. he said the older the better, more experience. anyway I know who his girlfriend is and what car he has...